99% of the people you meet in med school

A guide to the typical stereotypes you’ll find around in a med school class. This is (mostly) meant to be tongue-in-cheek.

1. gunner: the most notorious of the stereotypes, the gunner is out to get perfect scores on everything, whether it’s final exams, clinics, or random questions in lecture. The gunner is somehow capable of handling all classes, half a dozen electives, reading all the latest scientific literature, conducting several research projects (and publishing), being an officer in every club, and achieving AOA, but this incredible seemingly-pristine resume is tarnished by the fact that they have no friends (hey, something has to give). Physically, they often weigh in on the extremes of the scale depending on body type–they are either insanely skinny because they don’t have time to eat or they are obese (ironic) because they don’t have time to exercise. No one has been able to verify if gunners ever sleep, but they are easily identifiable by the collective groan that goes around whenever they open their mouth to speak.

2. sniper: the sniper is a gunner who refuses to admit that s/he is a gunner. With their element of surprise, they are far more dangerous in the academic setting than their counterparts, but often equally more tolerable due to their skill at normal (if brief) social interaction. Snipers frolic about in the presence of others, hiding their positively vicious work ethic by appearing to waste time on Facebook/Gchat/etc. like everyone else, but when others are gone, 3 textbooks, 2 BRS books, 563 flash cards, an anatomy atlas, and a 24-pack of ice-cold Red Bull suddenly appear from the void as they focus on their goal of defeating the gunner. Their only tell-tale sign is the slight unhygienic odor that surrounds the hooded sweatshirt they always wear (the sweatshirt becomes their “thing”, serving to hide the fact that they were locked up at school all night studying). Some have evolved to take advantage of the advent of Axe body spray to hide even this last trace, perfecting their ninja-like cover.

3. super-chill dude/dudette (SCD): this is the person who will end up being the doctor that other doctors want to go to. The most valuable people to have around for sanity, SCDs don’t really care too much about school, as they realize classes are not more important than having a life (everyone knows preclinical grades don’t matter anyways). Always up for a good game of frisbee or a solid nap, SCDs are perfectly fine with just passing, and are the most content with life amongst their peers. Interestingly enough, their overall happiness boosts their performance greatly, much to the chagrin of the gunner/sniper, and their cheery smiles often belie the brainiac they can be when given the proper motivation.

4. drama queen/king: this particular breed of med student just doesn’t get that no one cares about their problems. Often purposely putting themselves in situations where freaking out is at least 0.000001% reasonable, they make a big deal about everything from studying to rumors about the opposite sex to how many beers they slammed at the last party. They fail to realize that the typical med student is not the type to tolerate BS, and their selfish behavior perpetuates their life of being single. Usually found chattering to anyone who’ll listen, the drama royalty are pitiable but nonetheless useful, as they are textbook cases of delusional behavior that can be studied in depth merely by asking “How’s life?”

5. boredom incarnate: even God sometimes wonders just how in the world this type of med student managed to live through more than 2 decades without picking up some ability to socialize. Not much is known about this type other than that their ability to put people to sleep by talking is unrivaled–their monotone is practically coma-inducing. It has been postulated that they are the chief source of boring medical school professors, but this has been met with much contention from the Ph.D. camp, who currently defend this title with pride.

6. English (or any non-techie) major: the source of the more physically attractive members of any given class, the non-techie majors are a very valuable addition to the dating pool, and are the most sought after for those who love medicine so much they want to marry a doctor as well as be one. Their eloquence in speaking and shockingly legible handwriting make them stand out when it comes to presentations and notes-sharing, and their earnest approach to and curiosity about science is a refreshing contrast from those who have memorized fact after fact all their lives and are sick and tired of it. Next to the SCD, these are probably the students who have kept the most sanity.

7. dumbass: to the confusion of all, at least one inevitably appears in every med school class. No one really knows how they made it into med school, but whether it was an admissions mistake or traumatic head injury that made them how they are, they are unbelievably stupid. They can’t seem to understand even the simplest concepts even when force-fed the material repeatedly, and everyone fears for their future patients. Fortunately, however, the dumbass usually does not last long, dropping out quickly and sparing everyone their inane questions/comments.

8. ghost: the ghost never comes to class, review sessions, labs, parties…anything, really. Due to their heavy reliance on streamed lectures and notes posted online, no one is quite certain that the ghost even exists except for that one person who they talked to for 30 seconds during orientation; were it not for the presence of their name on the class roster, the school wouldn’t be certain either. Commonly noted in passing conversation with a “Who’s that?”, ghosts gain almost legendary status, with claims ranging from “I hear s/he can watch recorded lectures at 5X speed” to “they sleep 8+ hours a night!”

~~~~~

Now, it must be noted that most medical students fit into more than one of these categories, giving rise to mixed, sometimes bizarre breeds such as the ghost gunner. While the medical school ecosystem is a complex environment with many subspecies, these 8 categories serve to cover most of what you will find.

Did I forget a stereotype? Got comments about the ones above? Leave your thoughts below!